Anxiety attacks and me

I have anxiety and sometimes I feel like I am drowning.

It’s as though my world is ending, and I am caught in a feeling of utter despair. It sneaks up on me when I am at work, or even when I am relaxing. My soul flutters and I feel like running far away, hiding below the earth and disappearing. My breath becomes laboured and my heartbeat speeds up. I feel like I can run miles in my slippers as my body shakes with adrenaline.

But instead, I find myself frozen in time as the phone rings and there’s someone at the door, the kettle is boiling, there’s no food on the table, the boss sends an urgent email, my child hasn’t been picked up from school, the tap in the bathroom leaks. Through this all there are people trying to talk to me, my family asks if I am okay, and I can’t respond because I am paralyzed by anxiety I cannot control. I do not know if this feeling of being utterly overwhelmed will ever pass.

And then as suddenly as it came, it goes. For a moment after I collapse, there is peace. Peace in returning after a panic attack. Peace in the heavy breathing and the sweat on my forehead feels like relief.

Sometimes in the middle of a panic attack, I lose consciousness. My blood pressure falls, and I wake up with my back on the ground. Now that I am older, I am more careful of the symptoms preceding a fainting episode. I take a few moments to sit down somewhere safe and then give in to my anxiety.

I do not quite know why this happens, and why I feel everything so deeply or experience such anxiety. Some therapists say it is induced by stress. It could be, I think most of us don’t have a life that is easy. Overthinking also plays a big part, not to mention stressors such as imposter syndrome, insecurities, bullies around us, toxic work and social environment, and difficult familial relationships.

I find that writing helps. Writing this blog helps to remind me that the world is still standing and even though I am shaking with nervousness and anxiety that feeds off it, another word is typed out and there is a little bit of hope in me that says, darling, this feeling will pass, and you will be okay.

If you are someone like me, who goes through life battling anxiety or stress of any kind, I want to send you a big hug. Please know that what you feel is valid. You are not wrong, or weak to feel as you do, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding.

There are ways to treat anxiety and sometimes talking to a therapist or a trusted person can help. Your doctor will help you in case you need medication. Please don’t feel scared or worried to ask for help when you need it.

Anxiety and panic attacks suck, but please know you are not alone, and you will be okay.

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