An Unimposing Introvert

My heart is thundering in my chest and a wave of claustrophobia hits.

No, the sky isn’t falling, everything is fine. Just a couple of dozen people in a loud room — they are all looking at me, wondering why I am here.

I swallow and walk deeper into the room and do my best to blend in. I engage in small talk with whoever asks, but my voice is soft and quiet, my body muted, and I come across as rather dull. Eventually, people stop trying to talk to me and I find peace in the corner of the club. I despair a little at the thought of never being the life of the party, but my thundering heart has quietened, and I feel hopeful again.

Have you also discovered that being soft spoken has more drawbacks than benefits?

The absence of a loud confident voice, and irregular participation in conversations makes for being labelled (no matter how incorrectly) — a person with little strength of character.

I have always been a quiet person, one who has several things to share, but is too shy to do so. It takes a while for me to open up around people I don’t know well. Like most introverts, I am preoccupied with my own thoughts and seldom feel left out even if I am not asked for my opinion. I am observant and highly imaginative, content in my own world.

A few years ago, some of my classmates were planning a picnic.

“So, it’s set then, the whole class will go on the twenty fifth.” said an extroverted young woman. “Everyone has agreed to pitch in a fifty dollars.”

Alerted, I joined the conversation, “I haven’t agreed. My team has a presentation on the twenty-fifth.”

The lady looked at me as though she didn’t even know I existed. And we’ve been seeing each other every day for three years now.

Well at least I had seen her.

“What?” she said looking genuinely flabbergasted. Looking back, it makes me laugh. “Oh. I just assumed you would agree, you know, you never really say much anyway.”

I was stumped for words and that’s when it really hit me. Was I such an unimportant person that my views didn’t matter? I believed I was as much a part of my classroom as the other students.

I shook my head. “The 25th does not work for me.” I said as politely as I could.

“Fine, we can change the date. I’ll check with the others, is the twenty sixth, okay?” she asked checking her notepad.

“Yes. That would be great, thanks.” I said smiling.

“Cool.” she said giving me a smile too. “I’ll let you know.”

I sighed with relief, thinking to myself… “Well that wasn’t so hard.”

I felt drained, even though this was such a simple and short conversation. She’d been accommodating as well, and yet I felt as though I’d climbed a mountain. I wanted nothing more than to go home and hide in my room. But of course, school was not over yet, and I couldn’t.

Growing up I realized I have to work harder to get people to hear me. Often, I have to prove that I am worth my salt before others take me seriously. It’s not completely their fault, because how can you know about someone if they always keep to themselves? I realized then, that being comfortable in one’s own skin is not enough. You have to be able to assert that comfort in your public behavior, in order to garner interest towards yourself.

Don’t get me wrong — — I love solitude and enjoy having time to myself…but it is often viewed as being antisocial. How can I explain to people that I would rather enjoy the peace and quiet of my room than the din at the party upstairs? Socializing is rather difficult when you don’t know how.

Have you ever paid the price for being extra polite?

Let’s take a scenario: (this actually happened to a friend of mine, before we met)

“So the four of us can go shopping for the party, and the three of you can decide on the party games. Only one thing left, we don’t have anyone to take out the trash and tidy up afterwards.” says a bossy person, who has no qualms about unfairness or sounding impolite. This person looks at the introvert in the group who is usually obliging and says “Oh you can do that much can’t you? Considering we’re all doing everything else.”

News flash: The job assigned to the referred person sucks. They don’t get to be where all the action is, and they get to work on something that few people will acknowledge. People get pushed around a lot if their personalities are not intimidating enough.

Let us change that. We do not want to be ignored just because we are good listeners or be sidestepped for being too polite. We don’t want to viewed as a pushover, because we feel it easier not to engage in verbal sparring. So how do we do this?

It sounds simple: Speak up when necessary. Speak clearly, gesture confidently, talk about what is important to you.

Your chest will tighten when all eyes fall on you, but when you speak your mind, you’ll feel it swell with pride. Once you’ve put your point across during a discussion, and are satisfied with your contribution, you are free to embrace your quieter, shyer side.

But this little participation will help shrug off the image of you not having an opinion. It is very important that introverts don’t move away from society and hide within their shells. They are the most astute observers in the room and their insights are valuable to everyone. So, let’s give each other a fair chance, and let us not judge others quite so easily.

Thanks for reading!

Let me know your thoughts in the comments 😀

Have a great day!